The long and short of it.

I have always been a big guy, not huge but a big guy, the sort of bloke who throughout school is constantly asked to give rugby a try, or the guy that short people ask to get something off the top shelf in shops for them. I am 6' 4", heavy set and wear UK size 12 shoes, not abnormal proportions I hear you say, but just bigger than most.

I often walk down the street and see people similar to myself, tall blokes carrying a few extra pounds, gentle giants, big fellas, so I am not the only one in existence. So why oh why is it that I have the worse time ever buying clothing and most importantly shoes.

Here's the top 3 annoyances being me while shopping.

3. T-Shirts/Shirts/Jackets
Next time you go into a shop pick up a small, medium and large top and hold them next to each other. You will notice that as they go up in size they get wider (naturally, they are getting bigger) but they also get longer, meaning that there is some correlation between chest/waist size and the amount that it pulls the fabric up, OK got that. So why is it that the second you hit XL or god forbid XXL, they think gravity has started to take it's toll and your shoulders are rapidly being drawn to meet your belly. Most stores offer no length extension between L and XXXL so half the big guys out there end up going round in what appears to be a large boob tube or a homage to 80s fashion. When will the shops and designers realise that big blokes really don't want to show off their belly buttons to the world, while they are large and impressive we don't really want to exhibit them. Oh and don't get me started on long sleeves, it seems that as you get bigger your arms shrink, this is a global problem, it must be solved.

2. Jeans/Trousers
Another casualty of the "gravity" in UK shops you will be really lucky to find a pair of jeans larger than a 38" waist that have legs longer than 32", most of the larger jeans out there only go up to 30". Smaller waisted jeans have 34" and sometimes even 36" legs, for all those bean poles out there, but if your big you must have started to crush your knees and ankles to create short stumps where your legs once were. So not only are we all sporting retro boob tubes we have our jeans round our ankles showing our legs off to the world.

1. Shoes
The bane of my life. I have size 12 feet, just size 12, I do not have clowns feet, I am not a basketball player and I am definitely not the only one. See this article from the mirror, stores are seeing that they are selling out of 12s all the time and that they are selling more 12s than 7s so why oh why can't I ever find the shoes I want in a size 12.

2 years ago in Milton Keynes I actually spent 5 hours shopping, I didn't buy anything till the end, I just spent the entire time looking for a nice pair of size 12 trainers. Not sports trainers but designer trainers for going out in. In the end in the entire shopping centre I found 1 pair of kickers in size 12, that I bought out of frustration and have never worn since cos they are uncomfortable as hell.

Shoe shopping has now become a strange experience, I tend to now go into a store and just ask "what shoes do you have in a 12?" which is usually followed by "Just pick a pair you like sir and we will check on that pair for you". This is usually met with a little laugh from me and an explanation of the problem with their proposal. Every pair of shoes I pick up will never be in a size 12, whether its dumb luck or just some strange twist of fate but every pair I pick its always out or not done in a 12. There is something disheartening about the situation:

Me: Do you have this in a 12?
*Hands single shoe to assistant*
Assistant: I will just go out back and check
*I sit there waiting for ages waiting and hoping that this will be the one time it is in stock*
*I see the assistant returning from the back room and get a small lift of hope*
*Only to see that it is not a box he is carrying but still the lone shoe*
Ass: Sorry we don't have any 12's left.
Me: As usual, have you got any similar ones.
Ass: We don't have many 12, just these 2
*Points to ugliest pair of shoes in the shop*
Me: Never mind will try somewhere else

REPEAT FOR THE REST OF THE DAY/LIFE


I may be bitter and yes something that fits one person will never be perfect for another but come on women get Evan's, which is designed for larger ladies but us blokes are destined to wear boob tubes, ankle biters and ugly clown shoes for the rest of out lives. Rant over.